Ashes of Hope

by Chalice

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1.
Even amongst the outcast Even amongst the few I remain Alienated Unheard I persist I sustain Feel my burden Feed my anger I suffer I refuse to give up Hate me I still remain The mutual goals We fight for I believe In our mass I'm unknown I deplore Even amongst the outcast Even amongst the few I endure Alienated Unheard I sustain I refuse to give up Hate me I still remain Can't you see - You are not Can't you feel - You are not Can't you hear - You are not Can't you tell - I am not Feel my burden Feed my anger I suffer In our mass I am unknown I deplore Alienated Unheard I sustain I refuse to give up Hate me I still remain Even amongst the outcast Even amongst the few I believe Can't you see - You are not Can't you feel - You are not Can't you hear - You are not Can't you tell - I am not When will it be my turn When will I be heard When will I take revenge When will I be one I remain One of the damned I remain One of the wicked
2.
Welcome to the age of fear Living In constant distrust Losing all morals and values Preaching with a voice of hate The future now turns black Hold on to what we hold dear Corrupted by a vision of lies We live in the age of fear Prophets with their betrayal Dreaming of an age of fear Reaching for dystopia The future is pure fear Things you are told to do Are feeding the age of fear Blind by information Death is compensation Hold on to what we hold dear Progress to the age of fear Preaching with total hate All has messed up your fate To you it is the final solution only blood and only death you try to find meaning in life the failure of a selfmade God age of fear you drown us in the age of fear and none of us can prophecise where it starts and when it's near The alternatives you're looking for They force this age of fear Opinions you all give voice They are a disgrace to humanity You have learned to generalise You feign yourself a false God For you there is only one side Hating those against you All your deeds are justified when innocence lost all meaning This barbaric vision of the world Doesn't warrant your belief This marginalization you seek to you it's the solution Only blood can take back The persuasion you've received To you it is the final solution only blood and only death you try to find meaning in life the failure of a selfmade God age of fear you drown us in the age of fear and none of us can prophecise where it starts and when it's near I don't approve the acts that happened I am not an oracle that holds the truth I face this same loss This final loss Maybe I could be wrong Maybe I'm not aware But I just want to end this age of fear
3.
Every Day I think about What is going on What is wrong with me Everything in my life Is woefully dedicated To the suffering I undergo in this lifespan This eternal quest For the truth Translates into Total exhaustion Weary and dazed I remain alone It scares me It determines me It makes me ashamed I can no longer escape My doom is proclaimed My struggle has begun How can I trust anyone If they don't care Is their concern actually sincere The fear that I have Is blocking me My uncertainty Makes me doubt I even doubt True friendship And to confide Is to get hurt All I long for Is eternal sleep I feel exhausted Ready to give up It makes me ashamed I can no longer escape My doom is proclaimed My struggle has begun Will I give up or will I find peace I don't know What to do My freedom Is death Now I look Into oblivion In solitude I will die
4.
Seems like my chalice is empty Apparantly, i drank it all the way Some of the rocks, i carried almost a lifetime This is the place i can put them down Death will be both sadness and relief It brings me sadness and relief Things became too complex for me Never thought i would reach this state of mind But it’s time to make way, full of regrets No chances left to make things right All good and bad is said and done It is said and done I enjoyed freedom To make choices And experienced The weight Of the pressure That comes with it Pain i had to endure Assuming one day I would get rewarded For it Pain Caught in a body Caught in a skin Caught in a culture Caught in a sin On the bank of the river styx Looking over my left hand shoulder Reviewing my living years I behold the gap between Childhood dreams And the path i walked Goodbye to all my beloved ones I will think of you until they take my thoughts Nothing i did was heroic Nothing i did was in vain Remember me for what i was Remember me Caught in a body Caught in a skin Caught in a culture Caught in a sin Through layers of mist I can descry my ferryman Soon i will stop being Taking this one, last threshold So to you i confide My last thoughts Goodbye to all my beloved ones I will think of you untill they take my thoughts Nothing i did was heroic Nothing i did was in vain Remember me for what i was Remember me
5.
Even when I ask myself Whether to give up or fight There is something rotten inside of me What I have to endure No one can understand I try to reach out But no one will help When I am angry or sad I have to withstand I still don't know Should I cry or yell Now I feel I died inside I can no longer take I see my hands are tied There is no escape To be so empty To be so blind To feel so down To hate my self To crave for love To see no light To only cry Now I just feel alone I have to carry this Now I must admit I feel no hope When I look in the mirror This image fuels my hate I can try everything But I feel ashamed Speaking with those close Their eyes seem to burn It feels like even they Do not understand When and why have I become My own object of hate Dark spawnings arise From my own mind To be so empty To be so blind To only cry I alone know My self hate With no help I must live Dark thoughts They fuel me My self control Is fading away Staring down At my hate Boiling up I have failed Reaching for desperation Losing My self control All i ask All i beg Is a way To end this In tears I must decide whom to kill Myself or them Now I know What to do The solution Kill you I crave The power Control to Destroy you I only see my way out No love No love for me Now I know What to do The solution is To kill you
6.
In this isolated world We all search our way Whether or not our paths Are predestined I can only pray We do it for good But yet we are confronted With just the cold Slowly they creep up Through our veins Their final goal Is undying sorrow Strangling us Away from good Slowly We'll die They contribute to the demise Betrayel, murder and deceit While those vile creatures Eat us from the inside out Searching for their motivation It can never be found A sickness never to be cured Their eel like bodies crawl Suffocated Tormented Ripped From the inside Those hatefull creatures Slowly devouring their prey It is corrupting us But it's in our nature Why do we even try As they preach anarchy This cult of serpents Turning us into humans Plagued Broken Serpents of demise Tormented Destroyed Serpents of insanity Creeping down In my blood It's driving me Into insanity I can no longer take This inner plague I am no longer What we call human
7.
04:38
There is no creator Creation lies in ourselves I have created Pure ultimate beauty I am stunned At the gift of life But as the sun goes down Realisation creeps in Happiness fades away I slowly lose my grip And now I realise I will do you wrong I will scar you As you build a life I can't protect you From this beast called life I'll see you hurt By our own kind They'll corrupt you You must obey Slowly I'll see You'll lose innocence There are limits To what i can teach There are limits To your protection I am overrun By this fear I can't give What you need Still for you I will bleed Still for you I will live Still for you I will fight Still for you I will cry Knowning all the struggles That'll confront you I know I did not do What I had to do Knowing I failed What we call life This fear is haunting Tormenting me I really hope That you won't be You won't be Exactly like me I am overrun By this fear I can't give What you need Still for you I will bleed Still for you I will live Still for you I will fight Still for you I will cry
8.
In silent solitude and in all serenity I walked the curve towards my final act All of this occurring beneath The line of observable behavior Most of the setbacks in life I had to deal with on my own One of them was to process my way through From the first thought to my final sigh People will say I was vulnerable Or that my communication was blocked I was unable to externalize Or that my coping was poor My entrapment provides rest There is no way back now I feel a relief now things are clear I will die the way I‘ve lived…all alone I have chosen the tools to fight my last battle my moment to enter the arena It will be a cry of pain, not a cry for help As I undress I notice a grin appears Soothing water is flowing I take off my watch and check Whether this really is my moment I enter, water spills on the floor Now soon to come My victory over a life So endlessly disappointing As I start cutting, I feel my strength grow Making the liberating cut deeper as I go A stunning sight, me watching my own blood gulping out of my open arm I am so proud knowing I dared It took me 4 years This is where I enter nothingness Anywhere is better than here People left behind are devastated Tormented by questions with no answers Searching for signals I might have sent All of it in vain…a death without warning A death A death A death A death without warning But now I am in the place Where I belong

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released April 21, 2018

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