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Closure

by Chalice

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1.
A death without warning 05:39
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In silent solitude and in all serenity I walked the curve towards my final act All of this occurring beneath The line of observable behavior Most of the setbacks in life I had to deal with on my own One of them was to process my way through From the first thought to my final sigh People will say I was vulnerable Or that my communication was blocked I was unable to externalize Or that my coping was poor My entrapment provides rest There is no way back now I feel a relief now things are clear I will die the way I have lived…all alone I have chosen the tools to fight my last battle my moment to enter the arena It will be a cry of pain, not a cry for help As I undress I notice a grin appears Soothing water is flowing I take off my watch and check Whether this really is my moment I enter, water spills on the floor Now soon to come My victory to a life So endlessly disappointing As I start cutting, I feel my strength grow stronger Making the liberating cut deeper at the end A stunning sight, me watching my own blood gulping out of my open taken arm I am so proud knowing I dared It took me 4 years This is where I enter nothingness Anywhere is better than here People left behind are devastated Tormented by questions with no answers Searching for signals I might have sent All of it in vain…a death without warning A death A death A death A death without warning But now I am in the place Where I belong
2.
Disclosure 04:53
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Before I am six feet deep I need to get this sorted I need to tell the truth Years have passed, flown by The past catches up I need to clear my head The torture and the abuse Suffered for decades Made me into this man Can I say it made me proud Can I say it made me happy All I felt and still feel is pain I buried it deep Inside my head and heart It is eating me from the fucking inside Yes I tried to get help But who really listens Who can really help me So now it is time one last time to try Let all my demons speak I wonder why I try It gives me rest To tell the things I have felt I don't see What it does to me Is this mankind Am I blind I carry this hate Is this my fate? What is the source Of my selfhating force? The pain I feel each day I can not describe It is driving me so insane To endure this life To reach the end I accept my destiny Listen up you shit Hope you are proud of it Of your textbook life It makes me heartsick The world is unfair There is nothing I can do I can only hate you For your false compassion And now I am certain Solitude is my guidance It's my everlasting burden I do not need pity All I ever needed Was a caring friend I see only hypocrites Who don't give a shit About my many battles So now it's time For you to think About these words Do they make sense

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released September 10, 2015

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